You were never the high school kid that was great at writing essays. That’s okay. You are not required to use academic prose in casual conversation as you don a smoking jacket and twirl a tumbler of Brandy in your hand. You are not required to write poetic passages like Anne Rice or grotesque imagery like H.P. Lovecraft. Maybe you are just an average man or woman – simple folk – who “don’t need no” caviar with their crackers. The most beautiful things about word and speech are the accents and slang. It shows culture, regardless if you find it mesmerizing or annoying.
But for the love of god, unless you are purposefully writing in an accent for a creative story, it should be mandatory that you use a basic 101 level of spelling, punctuation, and grammar when conversing on the internet. Text-speak does not count. Text-speak only emerged because it was a faster way to write out a message to someone, before T9 even existed. With the advent of full keyboards on smart phones and our computer keyboards proving that they still are the most efficient method to type out our prose, there is no excuse for English 101 laziness, whether it’s a Facebook status update or professional blog post. People will only believe you are intelligent if you actually can prove it.
There is no excuse for not knowing the difference between ‘you’ and ‘you’re’ or the basic use of a comma. I’m not asking that you learn to use a semi-colon or spell Pneumonoultramicroscopicsilicovolcanoconiosis. I’m asking you stop being a lazy prick who gets offended every time the Grammar Nazi points out your lapse in brain power. Yes, English is the hardest language to learn, but you grew up speaking it, ass-hat. You have no excuse for your shortcoming. Here are some mistakes that you more than likely make on a regular basis. Learn them and you’ll never see the Grammar Nazi again.
“Your” and “You’re”
- “Your” shows possession. “It’s your job to clean the skid marks out of his boxers.”
- “You’re” is the contraction (shortened form) of “you are”. It’s usually used in a sentence with a verb ending in -ing. “You’re the biggest bitch in the room. Eat some carrots.”
“It’s” and “Its”
- “It’s” is the contraction of ‘it is’ or ‘it has’. “It’s time for my anal cleansing.”
- “Its” shows possession and is the sexually ambiguous equivalent to ‘his’ and ‘her’. “Every monkey deserves its banana.”
“There”, “Their”, and “They’re”
- “There” shows location. “I saw the man there, in the corner, holding a cardboard sign that said ‘will work for pot'”.
- “Their” shows possession. “Their cat ran away because it didn’t like the smell of its owners.”
- “They’re” is the contraction of “they are”. “They are going to use the smoosh room after they’re finished tanning.”
“Then and “Than”
- “Then” references time or is used as a sequence marker. “I’d rather cuddle then have sex.”
- “Than” is used to compare things. “I’d rather cuddle than have sex.”
- I really hope you see the difference between those two words, especially in that sentence.
“To”, “Too”, and “Two”
- “To” indicates action. “I need to go to the store. I’m out of condoms.”
- “Too” indicates an addition to something else or something in excess. “Can I slay the sparkling vampire too?” or “I can’t go for round seven. I’m too tired.”
- “Two” is the spelling of the number 2. If you fuck this one up, you’re hopeless.
“Board” and “Bored”
- “Board” can be used as a noun or a verb. “They are boarding the ship.” or “Hand me that board. I want to hit him in the face.”
- “Bored” means to grow tired of something, or have “nothing to do”. It can also mean to drill a hole through something. “I was bored, so I jerked-off to midget porn for a few hours.” or “He bored a hole on the wrong side of the block, the eejit.”
“Threw” and “Through”
- Seriously? Do I need to explain this one? Buy a dictionary.
- “Moot” means ‘open for discussion or disputable’, not ‘unnecessary’.
Just a few things to LEARN. I haven’t even started in on comma misuse yet…
Need some practice? Here is a link to some grade-school worksheets, since your grammar ability is that of a second-grader, anyway. I hope we can still be friends. I have your best interests at heart…seriously though, I’m tired of seeing your poorly constructed sentences in my Facebook news feed.