Movies that Induce Comas

A “movie coma” is similar to a “food coma”, but instead of feeling your stomach expand to new girths as the tryptophan makes you pass-out like a rag soaked in chloroform, a movie coma will simply make you fall asleep out of pure boredom. The urge to fight it will grow too strong and you’ll eventually give way to closing your eyes and letting your body slump to the side, then accidentally face-planting in your neighbor’s bucket of popcorn. I have had the misfortune of wasting my hard-earned money and some of my dignity by falling asleep in not only regular theaters, but drive-in’s as well. In fairness,  I do try to find the silver lining in every film, or at least one well-done aspect of a film, but if the script sucks, the dialogue sounds like it was written by Tommy Wiseau, and/or if some characters are redundant, I’m going to fall asleep and create a far more entertaining dream in my head, one where I’m force-choking the writers.

A warning to super hero and comic book fans: let’s just agree to disagree and hug-it-out once you finish reading my post, or rage-quit; whatever comes first.

The Dark Knight

I had close to an entire bottle of wine before watching “The Dark Knight”, so perhaps that had something to do with the reason why I fell asleep almost immediately after Heath Ledger made his grandiose appearance as The Joker. Clowns and I do not get along. Period. Heath Ledger’s make-up was such that he looked like a casual – if slightly deranged – psycho killer, but his equally evil clown possee…fuck those masks. I also could not take Christian Bale’s “Batman Voice” seriously. It sounded like a Marvin Gaye enthusiast/rapist contracted a permanent case of laryngitis. I only saw this film as a favor to my boyfriend at the time; Batman is my least favorite of all the superheros. He’s more of a glorified super spy, with a costume that shows his nipples. (Fabulous?)

Yes, I know his costume doesn’t show his nips post 90’s films. Humor me. It was funny. You laughed. You can stop stroking your dick-ego now.

The Avengers

I was already a little melancholy because Edward Norton did not reprise his role as The Hulk for The Avengers, but I decided to see it anyway, which ended up being roughly 20 minutes of total screen time. I don’t care what kind of movie I’m watching; explosions are an extremely cheap and lazy way to begin a film to grab the audience’s attention. Yeah, fucking great, special effects…when is the plot going to start? My 6-year-old students can come up with better ways to begin a movie. The problems only start with the opening scene, however. The “Most Useless Character of the Year Award” should go to Black Widow – seriously. Packing a single 9mm Glock to ward off the evils released from Loki’s world is absolutely USELESS. Black Widow, you don’t look like a bad-ass chick, you look like a dumb broad. All of the Avengers would have gotten their asses handed to them if it were not for The Hulk and Iron Man. Great job waving your hammer around there, Thor, as you helplessly watched Iron Man fall from the sky. You are sexy as hell, but Mr. Hulk totally stole your thunder and saved Iron Man from certain death. You hammer has been rendered redundant (pun intended).

Props to the person who decided to put a scene of the Hulk slamming Loki into the ground over and over. That was hysterical.

Iron Man 2

Iron Man is the most fascinating out of all the DC and Marvel superheros. He’s a genius engineer, ladies’ man, and he built himself a flying suit of armor. The character of Iron Man is badassery at its finest and the first film reflected that quite well, keeping very close to the story arcs of the comic books and casting Robert Downey Jr. as the leading man. However, I fell asleep about half-way through the sequel and awoke to a very anticlimactic ending. While my friends came into their sodas after every explosion, I was curling into the fetal position and fluffing my jacket in pillow preparation mode. What was up with that ending anyway? Ivan Vanko was waving these electrical tentacle things around like a retarded octopus and before I knew it, BAM, bad guy defeated; not much of an epic fight scene what-so-ever. Watching my grandmother verbally spar with a check-out clerk in a department store is more entertaining. Iron Man 2 sucked so much cock, I could feel my throat getting sore from just watching it. No one likes a dick shoved down their throat, unless you are turned on by your own gag reflex. In which case, you should go watch Iron Man 3.

No more comic book movies for me. I appreciate sensible dialogue and character development way too much. Shit, even “The Room” (2003) kept me awake, one of the most amazing pieces of shit to grace the indie-film circuit with its presence…but it’s hysterical.

You’re tearing me apart, Lisa!
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3 thoughts on “Movies that Induce Comas

  1. Pardon me for getting all Kathy Feeley up in here, but I wonder if Black Widow’s uselessness is simply symptomatic of the way women are generally portrayed in action movies: really something to look at with the suggestion of power but ultimately inferior to her male counterparts…I’m just spit balling here, but it is a trend. Think: Megan Fox in the Transformers. She’s hot, wears skimpy clothing, doesn’t necessarily truck along the baggage that “most women do,” but is otherwise completely superfluous to the plot…

    This whole deal makes me sad because I seem to remember the Black Widow being one of my favorite super heroes as a kid…

    1. Megan Fox can’t act which is probably why they were forced to use her as only eye candy 😦 I like her replacement a bit better even though she played almost the same role 😛

  2. I LOVED Heath Ledger as Joker. I can’t think f anyone that could possible do any better. He outshined Jack Nicholson as Joker by a landslide. I do agree the Raspy voice Batman was a bit annoying though ='(

    I agree that Edward Norton not playing The Hulk made the character in The Avengers not as great as it could be. Changing the Actor playing a Major Character for whatever reason even make the movie where that character takes part of, makes the audience feel less familiar with the character.

    It may have just been since there wasn’t a movie tie-in that Black Widow felt like she just didn’t have any character Depth. She’s supposed to be a Master Assassin and her main Attributes are Seduction while having superior Martial Prowess. He skill-set makes her excel at stealth missions where that just battle at the end just didn’t make sense for her to really be in.

    Iron Man 2 was just a Major Let down. I have nothing more to say on that. ='(

    Great write-up even though I have almost the complete opposite opinion of those movies you listed xD

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