With the rediscovery of childhood cartoons comes the destruction of childhood and all innocence with it. Reliving the nostalgia through adult eyes will, one-hundred percent of the time, allow you to notice things that your kid-brain did not due to lack of life experience and general fascination with flashing colors. (Doug had a lot of those.) Imagine my surprise and disappointment the other day when I stumbled across a few episodes on TV and found myself wanting to smack Doug across the face for being an annoying little shit. Doug Funnie was a terrible person.
Take the episode when Doug gets his bike “stolen”. The beginning of the episode is dedicated to him talking about how great his bike is, and then how immediately lame it became because all his friends got mountain bikes. “I wish I had a bike like yours,” he tells his best friend, Skeeter, as they walk into Doug’s garage. Then, as if a giant tsunami was barreling down on Bluffington, poised to take out every trace of life with its giant, salty wave of doom, Doug cries out, ‘My bike, its gone! Who stole my bike?!” Wait a minute, kid. You were JUST complaining about how you needed a new bike because yours couldn’t ride on dirt hills and now you’re acting as if you can’t get a wedgie out of your butt because it’s crawled so far up your anus.
Of course, Doug isn’t happy just filing a police report – no. He has to literally chase down and yell at the twin brothers who bought his bike off his parents and made some Frankenstein modification to it. (sidecars are for bitches, bro.) After he chases them off, having successfully commandeered his bike back, his parents arrive and pull out a shiny new mountain bike from the trunk. “Here’s an early Christmas present, son”. Do you know what your child has been up to? He has harassed two, unsuspecting kids because he jumped to a crazy conclusion. At least you did the right thing by grounding him for a week.
Oh, let’s not forget about his brilliant display of paranoid-delusion at the Honker Burger when he questions his friends motives for knowing too much about stealing bikes and buying him french fries. I don’t know about your friends, but my friends have this amazing ability to amass knowledge of illegal things that they would never actually do in their lives, unless the zombie apocalypse happens. They rely on this nerdy display of intimidation because they will get their asses handed to them in any physical fight. If you knew my friends, you would also know they are more likely to eat your fries than buy you some. Assholes.
If that wasn’t a good enough display of what an ungrateful child and terrible friend Doug is, let’s look at another episode, “Doug’s Brainy Buddy”. After receiving a perfect score on an intelligence test, Doug tries to convince his best friend, Skeeter, that he was mistakenly given the wrong test because the name Mosquito Valentino was on it. Oh sure…just because your friend makes explosion noises while he fights an imaginary giant spider with a pencil, there’s possibly no reason what-so-ever to believe he has any kind intelligence. Mr. Funnie, you sir, are a terrible friend. You probably steal Skeeter’s french fries, asshole. I’ll give Doug credit for admitting that he was jealous of Skeeter and apologizing to him for being a prick, but good friends don’t put friends down for being surprisingly smart. If Snookie said something of merit, I’d give her credit for actually thinking, but I don’t think she has. Ever. Lack of intelligence is like hanging your mouth open; no one likes a mouth-breather, especially on the other end of a phone. (Hear that, Kristen Stewart?)
Yes – a spoiled brat…and by the way, Patti was always too good for Doug. Remember that one day in class when Roger was pestering her to help him with a book report and Doug came to her rescue? Did she decide to date him or profess her love for him after that? Nope. Maybe this blog post should really be called Doug: Forever Friend-zoned.