My good friend Alex and I were two bottles of Malbec down after introducing him to “The Room”. Granted, the film could have driven us to drink after countless face-palming moments at terrible (aka hilarious) dialogue, but since it was my 5th time seeing the film (don’t judge me), I added drinking rules: Drink every time someone says ‘hi’, drink every time there is a prolonged sex scene, and drink every time there is an awkward line of dialogue. Two bottles? There should have been more! I know, there should have. We had to stop drinking before the movie was over, or else my blue carpet would have turned a “what species took a dump here” brown.
I digress — one drunk rant and an hour later of our drunk selves watching our drunk rant, we agreed that even though “The Room” is one of the most terrible movies ever created in the history of the film, it is far more entertaining that any Michael Bay movie, because…
1) You can’t quote a Michael Bay Movie.
Remember the time you sat around with your friends throwing funny “Transformers” quotes back and forth? Yeah, I don’t either, because it never happened. “I can’t even tell you how much I’m not your little bunny” said no one…ever. The only thing worse than listening to dialogue from a Michael Bay remake is listening to Dane Cook sing a Nickelback song. A movie’s quotableness (it’s a word NOW) can be judged by the ease of which its dialogue can be used in everyday life.
No matter how bad-ass or hot you think you might sound scoffing at a man who just referred to you as his little bunny, you don’t. He’ll just look at you with an expression that says, silly Megan Fox, get back in the kitchen. Many quotes from The Room can be used in everyday situations, in context and of out of context. It’s football season; someone starts to belittle your favorite team. Instead of throwing insults back at them, you can say “Leave your stupid comments in your pocket” and walk away. It fits the situation and the perpetrator is caught off-guard by the illogical nature of the sentence. You can also say this phrase to babies with a smile and they are none-the-wiser. Or, let’s say you have a girlfriend named Lisa and she forgot to bring home your favorite beer with the groceries; you can drop to your knees in front of her and cry out “You’re tearing me apart, Lisa!” The versatility of the dialogue is actually quite genius if you think about it. Hell, even if your girlfriend’s name isn’t Lisa, you can still use it.
“It’s not true, I did not hit her, I did NAHHHTTTT!” is equivalent to “GET TO THE CHOPPPAAA!” – Always funny and doubles as an inside joke.
“Armageddon” might be the only exception, because it was made in the 90’s, back when Michael Bay sucked a little less. As soon as Hearty McHeartthrob number 78.3895723857 uttered “I think World War II just started” in “Pearl Harbor”, the world tried to face-palm itself hard enough to forget that line of dialogue made it into a movie. Ever.
2) Michael Bay destroys your 90’s childhood.
Who else wanted to vomit-up their own kidneys when they found out Michael Bay was producing a remake of Ninja Turtles? Seriously…finding out your girlfriend is knocked-up with another dude’s kid is better news than finding out Michael Bay has every intention to profit off your childhood by raping with it a plastic spork. (He’s a pedophile by proxy, I tell you.) While he isn’t directly responsible for the onslaught of movie sequels and remakes, Bay doesn’t help the situation. I will give Bay credit; this film will be a guaranteed money-maker, because all true nerd fans of the Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles will go see it only to call Michael Bay foul things for completely bastardizing a 90’s classic. Here’s a tip to my fellow nerds: DO NOT SEE THE MOVIE. Michael Bay is relying on your “my opinion is greater than yours” complex to make his millions. Save yourself the heart palpitations and use the opening weekend to have an original Ninja Turtles theme night with your friends in protest. He gets your money, and you loose another part of your soul, which means he’ll collect your soul with all the other ones in his black heart.
“But movies are supposed to let me escape reality by making me forget that my life sucks for two hours”. Have you seen “Requiem for a Dream”? Unless you have also lost an arm to heroin addiction, I’m pretty sure that movie will make you happier about your desk-job, 2.5 kids, and/or student loan debt and – holy crap – you’ll manage to feel better about your life during a movie without explosions. While “The Room” has a poor structure and too many establishing shots of the Golden Gate Bridge, (meanwhile, in San Francisco…) it deals with a topic that EVERYONE can relate to – cheaters. Yes, there is no real emotional depth. In fact, the screenplay is as shallow as a newborn baby’s bathtub, but it did something that Michael Bay is incapable of doing – being original.
It’s not that Hollywood is out of ideas, they are just lazy. They refuse to make meaningful art because the general public is too lazy to have meaningful thoughts. Film is a very influential medium and it should be used to challenge the public – to develop critical thinking skills so you may actually think twice about cutting across five highway lanes while texting on your phone. Or do. Maybe Darwin will get his sense of dignity back.
3) Juliette Danielle plays a better character than Megan Fox.
Danielle doesn’t need her hand held to run. In fact, she is a classic Femme-Fatale, while Fox is the Bella Swan of Transformers. Sure, Bay pumps testosterone directly into the testicles of men, which could be considered a superpower to the theme song of Team America in itself, but his portrayal of women is misogynistic. Fox serves no greater purpose other than to look hot while fixing cars, whereas Danielle’s character, Lisa, may be a back-stabbing bitch, but there would not be a film without her character. In addition, Fox “LEFT” the franchise because she was uncomfortable with Bay’s treatment of women on set.
Contrary to popular belief, the female gender was not created solely to make men’s sandwiches and wash their cars in bikinis. Yes, Fox can fix cars. So could Angelina Jolie in “Gone in 60 Seconds”. Nothing unique about that. If Michael Bay was smart, he’d create something that could caress the inner nerd-boy and inner nerd-girl in everyone. But, seeing that he doesn’t care about women, why would he cater toward a female market? I guess he doesn’t love money as much as I originally thought.
4) “The Room” only needed one explosion.
Skip to 2:30.
**Spoil…oh hell, not like it even matters…**
More explosions = less time for meaningful dialogue and plot.
5) There will never be a Room 2.