I have a girls’ night every Thursday where we, if nothing more than, drink 1-2 bottles of cheaply priced red wine and ogle at Ian Somerhalder’s abs. We record the show beforehand so we can fast-forward through all the commercials and pause the show at our luxury to comment, or express frustration or confusion from our comfy, curled up positions on two large couches (the kind that try to swallow your butt and often succeed).
There are two in the Team Damon camp, one in the Team Stefan camp, and then there is me. I’m usually in the Team Damon camp, but right now, I am on Team NO ONE. Everyone keeps acting like a bunch of “dumbs”. If three-quarters of the cast weren’t vampires, I’m pretty sure some one would have, at least, contracted crabs by now. But then the writers would have to go all Gossip Girl and create an entire episode discovering who was the ground-zero of crabs. It would be a toss-up between Elena and Catherine because those hussies get around, but then again, with the way all the characters bong-pass each other around, someone could have gotten crabs just from borrowing a pencil. Who needs abstinence when vampire/human sex is 100% STD and Pregnancy-free?
Anyway, we keep a running commentary throughout every episode we watch, and last episode was a gold mine of comedic moments and some ghetto trash talking by four of the whitest girls you’ll ever know.
Basically, bitches be trippin’.
**Obligatory SPOILERS warning. If you haven’t seen the episode yet, then why the fuck are you on the internet?**
The episode opens with a bewildered looking Stefan, as gentle morning sunlight passes through a window to illuminate the aftermath of what was supposed to be “no strings attached” sex. (Yeah, called bullshit on that one from the last episode. Rebekah Mikaelson. Forever alone.)
That is a look on a man who says, “Wait…where am I? Oh yeah. I put it in Rebecca last night, just like my brother did. So, does that mean Damon and I have had sex?” You see, Stefan wasn’t trying to sneak out per-say, he needed to get up to vomit after that dismal realization. At this point, Klaus entered the scene bitching about those daggers, and we paused the show due to some confusion from one of us who was hopped up on anti-flu drugs. How my semi-drunken explanation made ANY sense, I have no idea:
“Wait, what’s going on?”
“So, basically, last episode ‘becca was all OMG do me, so Stefan did and now he’s being a douche by sneaking out, but Klaus is there is remind him to steal the stabby thing and the sleepy stuff.”
“Ohhhhh! Okay. We can un-pause it now.”
Also, phrase of the day: Creeping Tom. Way to go, writers…way to go.
Meanwhile, at the non-dance, (people of today look at the 80’s with so much regret that they had to cancel a fictional dance) Bonnie gets attacked by Kol and then awkwardly runs away doing the “pee run”; the run you do when you really have to pee and are about to code-red. If Bonnie can draw power from anything now, could she draw power from her full bladder to unleash a hell-fire-urine-fury on her target? Would R-Kelly need to make an appearance in that episode? Yes, he would. He’d be the fire fighter holding the hose.
Also; Yes, Caroline would notice if there were only 89 red balloons. The song says you have to 99 red balloons, damn it! 99 düsenjäger, jeder war ein großer krieger!
Understandably, Kol did not like being mind-punched in the vampy testies, so he got a little angry when he found out Elena was trying to kill him. Kol was on his man period that day, like Klaus, except Klaus is always on his man period.
Kol gets his shit fucked-up. Permanently.
Elena actually hatched a plan that worked. But now Klaus is pissed and Rebecca can’t stop crying. If Buffy was there, she’d just stake them all and be done with it. No. More. Bitching.
Despite all the childish nonsense, the showed ended on a rather glorious note. Everyone was standing around, waiting for Jeremy’s mark to complete itself, and then this completely unnecessary but totally justified shirt ripping action happens:
“Can we rewind that and see that again? I don’t think I saw enough of ‘HOLY FUCKING SHIT, LOOK AT THOSE ABS!'”
“Jeremy Gilbert, 1. Damon Salvatore, 0.”
I know what Bonnie is thinking: Not gonna lie, still wanna tap that. Seriously though, how many takes and shirts did the filmmakers have to go through to that shot right? Did they pre-rip it so the actor could tear it more easily? Who’s idea was it for Jeremy to literally rip his shirt off? It is completely cheesy, but…that glorious…everything! However, we would like to point out that we don’t believe that Jeremy is supposed to be a sophomore in high school for a second.
Oh, Stefan and Rebecca went to the non-dance too, but no one really cared.
Special thanks to all the wonderful people at Tumblr for these gifs.