There are many couples (aka the feminine persuasion side of the partnership) that celebrate Valentine’s Day with so much passion that adds to our world population nine months later. What could be more evident of a night of poor life choices than a tiny human that poops and cries? Here’s to another 18 years of spending ridiculous amounts of money on something that wasn’t supposed to exist for another five or ten years. If you couldn’t tell, I am not one of those couples. Not that I date myself or have a second personality named Buck, but I’ve let my boyfriend know that the only thing I want from him on the 14th is someone edible that doesn’t involve being out in public. I’m afraid of projectile vomiting on some poor broad’s H&M dress.
The only Valentine’s Day I ever enjoyed was the day “My Bloody Valentine” came out in theaters. Adultery. Blood. Murder; a perfect day to show your sweetheart you love them by taking them to see a horror movie remake. Red is the color of love, after all.
No, I don’t hate love. Using both those words side-by-side in the same sentence surely has some paradoxical effect, like opposite day or “how much wood could a Woodchuck chuck if a Woodchuck could chuck wood?” (insert penis reference) Valentine’s Day is such a consumer whore holiday like all the other ones. It’s the same reason I don’t watch TV and when I do, I stream it on the internet or record it on the cable box so I’m not subjected to commercials played at times ten the normal volume. (The only person allowed to yell in his commercials is…was…Billy Mays.) I don’t want any of your flowers that will die in seven days; I don’t want any of your damn chocolate to give me type 2 Diabetes; and I don’t want any of your fucking stuffed teddy bears to take over my room like Star Trek Tribbles. (Zombie teddy bears with detachable heads are okay though.)
Many people refer to this day as Single Awareness Day, or SAD – an acronym that never sounded more unifying and pathetic at the same time, like “Conservative Think-Tank”. While their activated up-chuck reflex is justified on the 14th, there is an added bitterness. We get it; you’re so ‘RONREY’! Call Ashley and Jessica (Eric and Bill, Stefan and Damon…whatever) and have them get with little Jimmy for the night. Bam! Dream threesome, even if it’s just an imaginary one…and Ashley and Jessica are your right and left hands.
Or, maybe you are the type to fuck with happy couples on their capitalist-created holiday. If so, may I offer some suggestions? You should:
- Walk up to couples that are sucking-face with a boom-box, blaring “Separate Ways” by Journey.
- Stalk a member of the opposite sex (or same-sex) in public with a boom-box, blaring “I’ll be Watching You” by Sting.
- If you are a female, stop by a random table at a restaurant, put a picture of a young child in front of the guy and say, “The paternity test came back. He’s yours”. Then, put a fake lawyer’s card on the table. Walk away.
- If you work at a restaurant, put a fake engagement ring in some girl’s drink, deliver it to the table, then look at their partner and say, “You’re too pretty for her”. Quit your job because you’ll probably be fired that day anyway.
- If you are a guy and are looking for a fucked-up way to break-up with your girlfriend, send her an Edible Arrangement with a card that says, “I got you some fruit because you need to lose weight”.
- Buy tickets to a “Vagina Monologues” performance, sniff the air and then loudly say, “Damn, who brought the sushi bar” as you walk into the lobby.
- Find a couple faking wedding pictures to get their green card and photo-bomb them with a sign that says “they just want a green card”.
- Skip around a mall dressed as Pedo Bear, handing out candy to little kids.
- Be dumb and get married in Las Vegas to a stranger.
- Call TMZ and pretend to be one of Snooki’s friends. Tell them that the baby is not Jionni’s.
- Walk up to couples making out and smack their faces together. Classic.
- Make up a fake charity and stand outside a grocery store collecting “donations”. Use the money to buy Valentine’s Day dinner for your honey-bunch.
- Do charity work at a hospital for dying children. Dress up as their favorite super hero and tell them that they are so lucky they won’t live to experience Valentine’s Day.
I think we need a thought cleanser after that last one.
What fucked-up things have you thought about doing on Valentine’s Day?